Sunday, November 20, 2005

Listening to: Hillsong - With All I Am

As I'm listening to this song, I had a lot of recollections. We live, because of Jesus, because we want to serve the great Almighty God. We want to be convicted, just so we can serve Him that's in line with the Word of God, just so we won't be distracted and led astray by the devil.

We are constantly worshipping Him everyday, praising Him everyday, and He's looking at what we do everyday too, either smiling or feeling grieved by what we do. Still, He's still merciful, He still give us grace for us to live on. Thank Him for that.

anyway, I decided to change to a new blog. I just want to have a new beginning in my life and I want this very first formal post that I make, to mark the new beginning of life, as I re-dedicate myself to be with Him, everyday of my life, forever.

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Being feeling so tired and confused. I so want to strive to be a living testimony for God, but it's either too hard for me or I simply fail to do it because of my laziness. One thing that I learnt, that God taught me, is to be frank, learn to admit the mistakes and repent on it. No matter how grave the mistakes may be, we are still His child, and dare and be bold to stand up to our mistakes.
Now I fear, for myself to backslide, because I just lost one passion I used to have so dearly. That's Soleil. Ever since I stood to become the vice-president of this club, I told myself to be a good team player and to strive hard for the club. I even had the vision on how I can do great things through and for the club to help more people. But all this are lost. Really lost. I even lost the trust of the one person I tell myself that she would forever be a good friend of mine, all my life. So now u see, what I promised myself to do, I failed to abide by my word.
Reason why all these occurred to me? Because I'm so self centered, so selfish, so ignorant and arrogant and most importantly, I was lazy. I was lazy to submit proposals for major projects. Despite the date due no matter how promising I make it sound, because of my laziness, I failed to make them come true. I don't do things on time, deadlines I had promised I failed to fulfill them. People who had trust in me, lost trust of me totally. I feel so dead, so so dead. I'm numb towards all feeling but guiltiness and sadness.
I was so selfish too, that I thought I would be able to solve all problems on my own, even if I messed things up. Well, ended up I might have solved the problem, but I did it at the interests of the club and my fellow committee members, or I simply created more problems, just that other people have to help me clear up the mess I'd created.
So arrogant that I thought I'm above all at times. I did things my way, without consulting the President, without consulting my peers. I just went ahead with it. I was like a lone ranger who thinks he can do all things.

realized that during this period of time, I wasn't with God. I somehow or rather, rejected Him in my daily life. I was like, allowing God to be with me, only during services and cell group meetings. I was no different from a lukewarm Christian, who has short passion for the love of God. And I had seek God only when necessary. I even don't read the Bible everyday. Because of all my errors, I had made myself a fool in front of God, in front of the people people that trusted me.
Sound like a long list of sentences I gave myself? Well, I think the list can still go on.

As a result, I'm giving up my post as vice-president. Because I know I can't do a good job anymore; when people had given me the second chance, I abused it, I took it for granted, I took advantage of it. Once the president approves it, I'll be out of the club officially. I dunno whether I'm being foolish here but I know the club will still be able to function without me. The club, if according to the original Hierarchy, don't even need a vice-president.

I know I'm being super negative down here. Still, I'm going to find a new direction in life. And this time around, I really want a brand new beginning to my life. To have the need and urge to seek God more, to seek Him everyday and never be tired or lazy about it.
I want to constantly remind myself that I want to serve Him and firstly I HAVE to change my attitude, my super super lousy attitude. No longer will I want to be lazy, no longer will I be selfish and self-centered, no longer will I also be arrogant and ignorant. I want to be sharp, wise, be winsome, be relational to people, be generous about giving, and to be convicted and committed to fulfill what I had promised and to act upon it.

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In any case, i was reading Mich's blog. What she mentioned about not conforming to the world, not submitting to the pressure your peers gave you does convict me. It's really all about serving God ad being a living and good testimony for Him. So whatever we do we always have to circumsize ourselves, not be quick to judge, but be quick to pray. Thanks Mich once again for convicting me. haha..

Oh anyone reading this, can you please pray for me that i can change what i want to change?

God, i know you are reading it and I do mean what i said. Please forgive me of all my sins, allow myself to be a living sacrifice for the Altar that i can serve You forever and ever, leading my life with the guidance of the Holy Spirit and reigning in life with lord Jesus Christ.

P.S for the non-christians reading this, please do not think i'm trying to be holy or super holy. I'm just wanting to have a change in my life, for the better. You may be doing the same but method won't be the same.
So please not be quick to judge. Thank You.

Signing off..

it got me home
12:29:00 AM

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Junius Solomon, 21!
serving NS and can't wait to be doing more for God!!

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If you wander off too far, my love will get you home.
If you follow the wrong star, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
Boy, my love will get you home.

If the bright lights blinds your eyes, my love will get you home.
If your troubles break your stride, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
Boy, my love will get you home.

If you ever feel ashame, my love will get you home.
If its only you to blame, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
Boy, my love will get you home

If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home

Boy, my love will get you home
Boy, my love will get you home